However, I shall endeavour to keep the tone upbeat, crying into the keyboard is never helpful. Unless we're talking about my keyboard, of course, which is used for hours each day by an 11 year old boy. Tears are the least of it's problems. Getting the space bar to spring back up after pressing is not.
So, where were we? I'm actually going to press pause on the history lessons today as I need to vent. I have been on my low fat diet two weeks tomorrow and I can happily report a marked improvement in the distance I can go from the bathroom, at least. However, I am just not getting anywhere on the energy front. I have found a great site on the interweb that helps me to track everything I eat and tells me how I am doing in fat and energy levels. Hence the aforementioned envelope. Yesterday we made homemade pizza and while my daughter diligently chopped and sprinkled I was hunched over the counter with all the packaging trying to work out if I could actually let any of it pass my lips. So, if 100g of the dough has 5.1g of fat, there is 550g in the package. We used about 2/3, so divide that by 2 then times by 3. If we call a portion of pizza a quarter then divide the answer by 4. That makes 4.7g of fat. The sauce; we've used about 1/4 of the bottle, but that's for two pizzas, so divide that by 2, then 4 for the portion..... where's the calculator? 15 minutes later I have worked out that I can have 1/8 of the pizza.
The site that I am using gives me a goal to aim for - it is mainly interested in kilojoules of energy, and it would like me to enter my excercise also. I have ignored that bit. Right at this moment excercise scares me, so I am just avoiding the subject until I have some sort of organisation in the diet area. According to the site, I am supposed to be getting 7,539kJ energy a day. I started tracking on the 1st Feb. the 1st I managed 2,766kJ, but that's all right because I was still on my four day detox. However, the days that followed I managed 4,941; 7,006; 6,590; 9,266; 6,900; 5,055; 8,616; 5,133. After checking out the first week, I realised that the only day that I hit the target was the day that I poured the wrong milk on my breakfast cereal and had a cup of whole instead of skimmed. I had, however, kept the fat down. I was averaging 8.5g a day. Hmm, I think, I need to up that to the 20g I am allowed. The whole milk day I upped it, and hit the target.
The next day I was down the supermarket trying to find new meat sources. My general 'can eat, can't eat' list tells me that I can have no red meat, no pork, only chicken breast, skinned. I can eat white fish (what makes a fish white?) and tuna. I have to tell you, I hate chicken breast. Hate it. So, I think, maybe I could use turkey breast instead? The problem is that here in Portugal, the meat is not labelled with the nutrition percentages. Packaged processed meat, yes, but not fresh. The packaged fish in Lidl is labelled, however, so I abandon trying to work out what is white and just start working out portion contents. Yes, I am the barmy lady in the supermarket with a calculator and notebook.
I come out with robalo, which is sea bass, I think. (I discovered fish in Portugal, therefore have no idea what there English names are). That day, I hit my energy budget and my fat budget. Presto! I think, this is the solution. I don't have to keep in the pen, I have to balance on the fencing. Then yesterday, with it's 1/8 of (absolutely flaming delicious) pizza. Today I am transferring my envelope information into the food diary, and I came in at 22g of fat and 5,133kJ energy. No wonder I didn't want to get up this morning. I spent yesterday orchestrating a pancake party with my household and my parents, and ate pasta in gravy whilst they spread chocolate and jam all over their pancakes. Then we made the pizza together, great fun, (my daughter is impossibly picky with her food and if she cooks it first, she eats more) and I ate 1 sodding 8th of it. I also wolfed 4 mini meringues and a packet of Polos. And still barely consumed enough energy to process the food.
So there you go. I have just spent the last 20 minutes chatting to my friends, who phoned me earlier, then surprised me with a visit as I sounded down on the phone. Hehe, I feel a bit better because of that, but I am just wondering how I am supposed to go forwards. Lack of energy is one thing, but I am now spying the great hulking monster of depression hiding behind the corner and I would do anything to keep him away. I've gotten rid of him once and I burnt the bedlinen. He is not getting back in.
I am meeting with my fellow sufferers in March, and I cannot wait to get some tips from them. There is no medicine currently available to help. There is only 1 in every 1 million people who suffer. It's hard not to feel alone sometimes. But, I can see where I have it great. I am surrounded by friends and family and let's face it, other people have bigger problems. But this is my party and I can cry if I want to. Next time I promise I will tell you all about the positive aspects of this thing. Like size 8 wedding dresses and a total lack of spots throughout puberty. Awesome! Stay tuned.
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